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Andrew Green

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Andrew comes from the suburban Detroit area originally. He graduated high school in 1998; college in 2003. He's worked in radio news since 2004, starting in Michigan's Thumb region. Andrew watches hundreds of films each year...he's always reading a book (often historical biographies)...and he loves rock music from the 90s. Andrew is also a lifelong gamer who enjoys studying politics, American and Russian history, and the latest trends in internet culture.

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The Universal Language
I've always been fascinated by Esperanto....
You've heard of it, right? Esperanto is a fully-functional language that was developed by a Polish doctor in the 1800s. His idea was to design a politically-neutral tongue that would be easy to learn and accessible to anyone in the world. Ludvik Zamenhof was his name, and, according to Wikipedia, he believed that having a universal language not rooted in any particular nation's culture might help foster peace on Earth. Yeah, peace on Earth.

Anyway, the idea couldn't have been ALL bad because this dude's language actually did catch on in some circles. I'm no expert on fancy wording, but from what I can gather, Esperanto really was designed with the sort of precision that only a true artist or visionary could muster. It's laid out in a very logical, easy to grasp manner, and incorporates words from several of the world's most common tongues. All very deliberate; all very pronounceable. They say that even a person with no understanding of Esperanto might at least be able to figure out a few bits and pieces of a sentence being spoken to him in it if he had to. The language flows nicely and has a simple alphabet. Plus, the chicks dig it.

Just ask some of the sailors around the world who speak Esperanto to make communication easier at their various international ports, etc, etc. And how about all of those diplomats and scientists who speak it? It's like EsperantoUSA.org says: "Although there aren't a lot of people who speak Esperanto in any one place, there are some almost everywhere." Magazines and newspapers are published in Esperanto; some military phrasebooks include it; and there have even been efforts to start new countries that use it as an official language.

It's estimated that the number of people worldwide who speak Esperanto is somewhere between one-thousand and ten million (interesting margin of error there). Not to mention, each year, there is an International Esperanto Congress at which the language's most dedicated proponents meet to discuss its benefits and new methods of advocacy. Will this passionate group ever accomplish its goal? Could WE ALL one day be speaking Esperanto???

Well, no -- it's kind of a lost cause...but a NEAT one if I ever did see it. I totally want to learn Esperanto!

Now here are some fun Esperanto facts:

--Adolph Hitler hated, and officially banned, Esperanto in Germany on the grounds that it was an international conspiracy of the Jews to undermine...whatever he thought they wanted to undermine.
--Esperanto is sometimes used in movies in the place of non-specific foreign languages. You ever see a film in which some villain speaks another tongue to his henchmen, but they never indicate exactly what it is? He could very well be speaking Esperanto.
--Anyone can learn Esperanto with the help of several easy-to-use online guides!
--UNESCO officially recognized Esperanto in 1954.
--A short-lived "micronation" called Rose Island listed Esperanto as its official language in 1967. The artificial island was similar to Sealand, which I've written about before. Fascinating.

Oh, and there has been a grand total of two movies made entirely in the Esperanto language: Angoroj, which has been lost to mankind, and Incubus, which I'll be reviewing for you right...about...nnn-NOW.

Incubus (1965)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059311/

Netflix description:
A pre-"Star Trek" William Shatner stars in this bizarre horror flick about evil demons that use sex to conquer innocent souls for Satan. Wandering through an otherworldly place called Nomen Tuum, Shatner plays Marc, a decent man who battles a succubus named Kia (Allyson Ames) while trying to protect his sister from Kia's male counterpart (Milos Milos). The real kicker? The whole script is written in the "universal language" of Esperanto.

Incubus is a weird one. I mean, why did its director choose to make his movie in Esperanto, anyway? -- That's the question everyone who has ever seen this picture must ask out loud at least 47 times. It's just so bizarre that a filmmaker would choose to go with Esperanto. What market was he aiming at? You might as well make a movie in Pig Latin (which, now that I think of it, would be pretty darn cool)!

The other important thing about Incubus is that it stars William Shatner. Yup -- the Shat. He reportedly memorized his Esperanto lines phonetically without actually learning the language while on set in California (this was about a year before Star Trek). Real Esperanto speakers are said to laugh heartily at the absurdity of Shatner's accent when they see Incubus, but I'm not going to hold that against him. Mispronouncing a fake language that only a few thousand people speak is hardly a strike against an actor's abilities. I still love you, Shat!

Anyway, the movie takes place in the Dark Ages, and is about a man who lives in some village where there is a magical well known to cure any ailment. You know -- you drink the well's water, and within seconds, your cancer, typhoid, lupus, and athlete's foot all go away. Neat!

Now, that might SOUND like a good thing, but, as Incubus tells us early on, the magical well also attracts a lot of sinners. The vain, for example, will show up and drink its holy waters simply to improve their physical appearance (got bad acne or a double chin? The well can help!). SO, not only is this little village a place of healing, but it's also a hotbed of temptation and scheming by demons.

Enter Kia, the succubus. She works for Satan, and her job involves hanging around the magical well, luring lustful men out into the ocean for the purposes of soul harvesting. She's pretty good at it, but there's one problem -- Kia is bored. See, as she explains in an early scene, it's easy to trick a BAD man into drowning himself in exchange for sex; what requires real skill is convincing a GOOD man to do the same thing. Kia wants to prove her succubus talent by luring a clean, not-already-compromised, soul into the pits of Hell. So, she finds William Shatner (er, Marc).

He's a generally good, pious man, and Kia thinks she can seduce him. The two meet in the woods, and at first, Kia does pretty well, convincing Marc to walk her to the ocean. On the way, however, she comes on a little too strong, and Marc gets suspicious. WILL Kia and and her evil helpers from the netherworld be able to corrupt Marc and swallow his soul???

Incubus is ALMOST a really good movie. I mean, it looks beautiful, and has an engaging plot. Performances (as far as I can tell) are good, and at times the film is even kind of scary. About a quarter in, I remarked to the missus that the only thing really holding this one back is the fact that it's in Esperanto. I felt a lot like I was watching an art movie; it's remarkably similar Bergman's The Seventh Seal. Not nearly as bad as everyone makes it out to be.

At least, that's what I thought until little mistake after little mistake started piling up, and I finally had to walk away feeling like I'd just seen a glorified B-movie. See, Incubus, for as nicely-shot and eloquently-written as it is, has a whole lot of flaws. We'll notice the boom mic protruding clearly into a shot; we'll spot a set wobble on its cheap foundation; we might crack up at an especially silly effect (the Shatner vs Possessed Goat fight toward the end made my wife howl with laughter)....It all adds up.

The movie is interesting and entertaining, but its technical shortcomings leave us feeling a little disappointed. Incubus wants us to think it's some groundbreaking, profound art film; but the truth is that it's little more than a slightly above-average monster story. Maybe filming it in Esperanto wasn't such a bad idea, after all -- that's really the one thing that makes this picture stand out. Well...that, and Shatner.

Still, a high five to the fine folks at the Sci-Fy Channel, who found Incubus and restored it for the world's enjoyment in 2001 after the original prints were nearly lost forever in a fire. It's worth keeping something like this around, if even for history's sake. No reason not to give it a rental. Just don't expect too much.

3 out of 5.

b.

08/31/2010 12:25:00pm

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Friday Nerd Links
I recently stumbled across a coupleof really neat websites that I think I ought to tell you folks about....
Now, keep in mind that I may be be doing so with a degree of personal risk, as it is conceivable that these particular web destinations are not what some would call "totally legitimate." See, I'm no expert in such issues, but I suspect that there's a chance the sites I'm about to present take a few liberties with certain intellectual property procedures. And I'm doing this all for YOU, friends -- putting myself on the line for the sake of disseminating vital information to those I appreciate most. I must take this stand, even if it means that, at any time, the Internet Police could break down my door, smash my face in, and track mud all over my carpet as a consequence.

Really, though -- these two websites are amazing finds. A fella like me (and, I hope, you) could derive great amusement from either of them. If you're a gamer -- in particular, one who grew up in the 1980s -- prepare to have your world rocked. Yes, I give you two (apparently-safe) websites where it is possible to play basically-perfect Flash emulations of classic Atari 2600 and Nintendo Entertainment System games. Honestly, there are hundreds of them to enjoy, no download required.

I started seriously gaming with the original Nintendo mentioned above. I had been exposed to games before that, but didn't really take to them. See, my dad had an Atari 2600, and I distinctly remember neighborhood kids showing up to my house on a fairly regular basis and begging me to play it with them when I was around five or six. I couldn't quite get why they were so blown away by things like Battletank and Space Invaders, though. I mean, sure -- the games were vaguely entertaining...for about three minutes; but why just sit there pushing one button over and over again to make a non-distinct block on your TV screen blow up another non-distinct block? The Atari was too primitive -- you could barely tell what you were looking at, and the gameplay was unbearably repetitive (if you could even figure out what the player was supposed to DO in the first place). Some titles could get me interested for a while -- likePitfall or River Raid -- but, for the most part, the Atari 2600 in the end only left me able to understand why so many old people maintain an ignorant prejudice against gaming. To them, "video games" will always be Pacman and Donkey Kong. They'll never be capable of accepting how much the medium has evolved and why anyone takes it seriously.

Anyway, my true understanding of video games didn't actually start until the fateful summer day when I played Super Mario Brothers for the first time on the eight-bit NES at my friend Nick's house. The moment I saw that Mario game, I was hooked. It was incredible and amazing and imaginative and exciting! The title had a logical and linear structure with clearly defined worlds and objectives. Its visuals were leaps and bounds above anything on the Atari, and there was also the possibility of finding alternate paths and clever secrets all over the place. Plus, it had music, and you could PAUSE it if you so desired! I wanted to play Super Mario Brothers all day and all night forever. It defines my childhood more than anything else.

SO, I lived for the NES as a kid, and that's why I'm blown away by this website: http://nintendo8.com . Look -- you can play a TON of real Nintendo games there! They've got all of the heavy hitters (Mega Man, Zelda) in addition to a robust collection of second and third-tier titles (Yo Noid, Felix the Cat -- both good, by the way).

And I have no moral qualms whatsoever about telling you how to experience all these games for free, either. You know how come? --Because the companies who designed them in the first place CHOOSE to prevent them from being made available again legitimately. I say, "Yo, Capcom -- I'd be perfectly WILLING to pay for Ducktales and Rescue Rangers if you offered them somewhere, but since YOU DON'T, I'll just go ahead and explore unofficial sources." Know what I'm saying? I'm just a guy who wants to play some games; where they come from is of little concern to me.

(It's a little awkward using a keyboard for the controls, but otherwise, all is well.)

And to you oldsters out there who may have more Atari nostalgia, here's THIS: http://www.2600online.com . Check it out, and play yourself some Adventure before it disappears forever.

Hey, as long as we're being old school, here's a movie that harkens back to the ghost stories of the 60s and the teen fare of the 80s. Enjoy!

Dead End (2003)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0308152/

Netflix description:
Dreading the annual family road trip to Grandmother's house for Christmas, Frank (Ray Wise) and his wife (Lin Shaye) opt for an unfamiliar route through the forest. They'll wish they hadn't when they stop to help a mysterious woman who seems to be holding a dead baby. As the bodies pile up, a hearse with an invisible driver arrives to cart away the victims, and those who survive descend into madness.

Dead End is about a slightly-dysfunctional family that gets lost on a mysterious country road while on their way to a relative's house for Christmas. Let's see -- we've got Dad, Mom, daughter, son, and daughter's boyfriend. They're driving along the highway when Dad decides to take the scenic route on some backroad; a near-collision occurs; the fam runs across a creepy woman carrying a dead baby; and a night of terror ensues.

Our heroes soon find themselves trapped in a sort of metaphysical loop -- driving down the same road endlessly, encountering no intersections or towns. With little warning, different members of the family start dying off. They get killed in frightening ways at random stops along the path, and the survivors continually opt to keep pressing forward. WILL they ever get off this road? WHO is the mysterious woman in white with the baby?? WHAT the heck is going on here, anyway???

Dead End actually surprised me. See, it starts off sort of hokey -- the family is annoyingly stereotypical, with the overbearing dad, the pill-popping mom, and the snotty teenage son. In the beginning, many of their actions make no sense. For instance, the teen son at one point sneaks off into the woods during one of their pit stops to...erm..."have some fun with himself." I mean, he does it right in the middle of a CRISIS! Funny, maybe...but still a little over-the-top. Not even the most depraved teen, I think, would stop for a few quality moments with his favorite Penthouse in the middle of a ghost attack that's already killed at least two people. Does this kid have no self-control? It's like, DUDE -- step back and consider the seriousness of your situation!!!

It doesn't take long for Dead End to dig into us, though. Tension rises quickly, and we begin questioning everything we see. You know, there's some pretty well-crafted drama going on in this one. As the family's sense of panic grows, their unity nearly unravels several times. They fight, swear, shout, weep, and even resort to alcohol consumption, not knowing if they'll ever get off this hellish country road. We, as viewers, are compelled. Plus, we learn more about each member of the family's background, and can even like them a little. There's some interesting stuff happening.

I don't want to spoil it for you, but Dead End does have somewhat of a mind-twist ending. My wife and I actually had to stop and discuss it for about 15 minutes before we came to a conclusion about what just happened. I like it when a horror film does that to me (assuming that there IS an explanation for the mind-screw). Lemme THINK about what I just saw!

Well-acted, well-paced, nicely shot, and very suspenseful, Dead End is a good little horror movie. It gets us in; gets us out; and leaves us with something to talk about for the rest of the evening. I say go ahead and give it a rental.

4 out of 5.

b.

08/27/2010 01:02:00pm

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Support Your Local Parodies
You know, for a guy with so many interests, I really don't feel all that strongly about a whole lot....
Sure, I'm interested and aware of current events, but it's rare that I'll form an opinion on anything that's firm enough for me to want to take real action. What can I say? I just have this uncanny ability to see the value in almost anything, while not having any deep emotions about it. I'll closely observe some controversy in the news, but never quite get riled up about it in one way or another; I'll give money to charity, but have no real passion about which one it is; I'll vote in an election, but not be upset in in the slightest when my candidate loses....You know, I tend to just feel sort of "meh" about things, in general. I figure, things will work out one way or another, and that's the only way it could be. Perhaps this attitude is simply a natural side effect of getting old. And it's not so bad, really -- I'd rather be a laid-back zen master than some spaz who launches into an indignant tirade over every subject that's brought up in his presence. I hate those kinds of people.

But there are still a FEW things that will get me off the couch. For instance, I believe in the benefits of supporting local arts -- especially movies. Yes, if I hear about some chap from my neck of the woods who has gone through the trouble of producing a feature film, I am immediately interested. It doesn't matter to me how low-budget or unprofessional the picture is, either; I take a locally-made film seriously and will see it whenever possible. Heck, I'll even buy a DVD of the darn thing. You know why? -- Because a movie made in some small Michigan town is likely to be a lot different from the usual crap that gets shipped to our corporate-owned theaters from Hollywood each year. And, above all else, I want things that are different.

A few weeks back, I heard about a guy not far from my town who had just completed a feature-length movie that spoofs the Harry Potter series. An article about him showed up in one of the local newspapers, and I jumped on it immediately. I mean, first of all, this dude made a movie HERE (where I am), and secondly, it's NOT about zombies! Can you believe that? An independent, far-outside-of-Hollywood filmmaker who DOESN'T do horror is pretty friggin' rare. I HAD to see this guy's movie.

It's called Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise. It was shot around Southwestern Michigan and South Bend, Indiana for a budget that I'm told was less than 100-thousand dollars. The director, Tim Richardson, has apparently been kicking around the local scene for some years, having once made a parody of Lord of the Rings called Dork of the Rings (HA!). He held a screening of the Harvey Putter project down in South Bend recently, and the missus and I attended.

Now, I've never actually seen a Harry Potter movie, nor have I read the books. Still, I had high hopes for this parody. I mean, the concept in and of itself was golden: three teenage witchcraft students discover that they're really just characters in a series of novels and films. That's hilarious! No need for me to understand the source material, really. I mean, I've caught enough random bits of info about Harry Potter over the years to more-or-less get the idea, anyway. Apparently, there's been, like, 47 of the motion pictures released in the past ten years or something. Who would have thought those crazy kids from the first movie way back in 2001 would still be doing them today???

(Careful, Drew....)

So, with a basic understanding of the Harry Potter phenomenon, I checked out the locally-produced satire, Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise. Would it be funny? Would it rely too heavily on cheap bathroom jokes?? Would its low budget and semi-amateur origins hold it back from being watchable??? I had my concerns, but boldly pushed on. Let's check it out.

Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise (2010)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1161421/

IMDB description (because there's no Netflix listing):
Celebrity teen wizard Harvey Putter and his friends learn that they are merely characters in a best-selling book and must magically escape their world before the final chapter....

First of all, let me say that Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise is easily the highest-quality film of its kind that I have seen. It looks great, the sets are fantastic, and all performances are remarkably strong. This one is about as good as it gets in the world of extremely low-budget film.

As stated, the plot revolves around teenage witch-in-training Harvey Putter and his friends trying to collect all seven books in a series about...well...themselves. See, they figure out that they're living in some famous British woman's fantasy land, and must obtain the seven sacred texts in order to escape. Why they want to escape is unclear; I guess they're just normal teenagers who hate their lives. I mean, why was The Matrix so popular?

In between the book-hunting sequences, our heroes engage in a random array of joyously-silly, Harry Potter-related, activities. Having never seen the original films, I can only presume that the classroom scenes featuring crusty magic instructors, for example, are parody. Same goes for the bit in which Harvey is taunted by a Smurf-like leprechaun in a potato chip bag ("Dumpy the Houseschmuck"). Yeah, a lot of random slapstick goes on in this movie. You can tell that the filmmakers had some trouble overcoming an urge to cram as many Harry Potter references as possible into this baby.

Not that it's necessarily a bad thing, though. Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise fires such an unrelenting barrage of off-the-wall fanboy gags at us that it's only inevitable enough of them will connect and make the experience a pleasant one. Sure, you might get a little bored during the extended Quidditch scene, but you're bound to laugh at some other bit that the movie shoots out a few minutes later (for instance, I was greatly amused by the ghost-in-the-toilet gag). There's a whole lot going on here, folks.

Performances are top notch, especially for such an independent film. Bryce Cone, as Harvey Putter, not only looks the part, but makes it hilarious with a sort of bratty-Emo persona that's likable the second we see it. The guy who plays Harry's red-headed pal, Rod Cheesely, although a little annoying, is perfectly comfortable on camera, providing us with a constant supply of comedic dumbassery. And I especially liked the actress who portrays Harvey's female friend, Hernia Grunger (my God, I can't keep up with these names). She's got that certain something which makes me hope to see her in other films.

I am pleased to report that Harvey Putter doesn't rely too heavily on cheap sex and bathroom jokes. As I've noted before, an alarming number of comedies these days seem to be falling back on such crutches, which are really only funny in moderation. While this picture does throw in a handful of toilet bits and boob gags, they're relatively well-constructed and acceptably placed. I'd say Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise is a hard PG-13 -- willing to get blue, but not dependent on it. It's strange to think that this movie -- shot on digital video in a South Bend warehouse for less than a hundred grand -- is funnier than such major studio productions as Epic Movie and anything by the Wayans Brothers. Why, Hollywood, why?

As indicated, this film is all over the place. It's a non-stop, unabashed celebration of giddy silliness that would probably be an absolute hoot for fans of Harry Potter and, at the very least, respectably amusing for the rest of us. I personally was impressed with how well Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise turned out, and WISH it was available on Netflix so I could recommend it to all of you fine folks.

But, sadly, that's not the case. Yup, this is the first film NOT featured on Netflix that I've ever reviewed for my blog, and until its producers work out such a deal, Harvey Putter will not be so easy to obtain. As far as I can tell, the only way to see it right now is to buy it.

It's up to you if you want to take such a leap of faith and spend twenty bucks. Hardcore Harry Potter fans might want to go ahead, but to all others, I recommend waiting for Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise to show up on a rental service. When that happens, I say stick this sucker in your queue, and prepare yourself for a few chuckles. It's a fine experience.

4 out of 5.

b.

08/24/2010 03:51:00am

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Know Your Cults
I touched upon the subject of cults in my previous entry....
Now, I hate to dwell on a particular issue for too long, but the whole cult phenomenon raised by the documentary Join Us got me to thinking. How can someone tell if he or she has, in fact, fallen in with a bonafide cult??? After all, it's a fascinating subject -- where do we draw the line between a simple church and a mind control cult that wants to swallow your soul?

Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying religion is bad. In fact, I think orderly, well-intended faith is essential for keeping order among the masses. Plus, a properly-run religious organization can do much good in the world and provide a sort of peace and enlightenment to its more advanced members. That's a lovely, lovely thing.

BUT....

What about cults? They're not real religions; they're dictatorships run by nutballs who think God can communicate with them through the fillings in their teeth. A cult leader might rob you blind, impregnate you daughter with his lunatic seed, and leave you for dead in a shack out in Death Valley. And the wildest part??? -- You'd ENJOY the whole experience because, if the cult master is any good, he'll already have you completely brainwashed by the time things go that far. Joining a cult leads to disaster for entire families. You MUST protect yourself.

Let's say that it's two AM, and you and your spouse are enjoying a Moons Over My Hammy at your local Denny's. An older gentleman with a warm smile and blank void in his eyes approaches you. He's holding a Bible, and starts telling you stuff about stories in it. Hey, the guy seems pretty nice, you like the scent of his aftershave, and he happens to mention that he just started his own church. You want in???

You guys figure, "Hey, why not? We've had nothing to do since 'LOST' was canceled, anyway." So, you and the missus head over to this strange pastor's compound. He greets you at the door, and soon, little bits of info about his fledgling congregation start to emerge. Should you be suspicious of anything he tells you??? I'm here to help.

See, after careful consideration, and literally MINUTES of intense research, I've come up with an easy-to-use guide for us all. I give you Eight Ways To Tell If You've Just Joined A Cult. Let's get stated.

--NUMBER EIGHT: IT WANTS A LARGE PORTION OF YOUR MONEY.

Financial guru and radio host Dave Ramsey claims that the average religious person should contribute a "tithe" of his or her income to the church. A tithe, you see, is about ten percent. In other words, you're supposed to donate ten percent of your dough to your religion.

Now, that still seems like way too much to me. If a tithe of my income is to go to anything other than food, movies, or video games, it'd better be a lot more important than some church; but I guess the faithful feel a little different, so let's just go with good old Dave Ramsey's advice and say you should give ten percent. Fair enough.

(As if the cross carved into his forehead isn't enough of a warning sign....)

If your new spiritual guru asks (or, even worse, EXPECTS) you to give more than that magic number to the church, that's a warning sign. I'd say you and the wife better start scanning the Yellow Pages for a new congregation because, if this one is that greedy when it comes to money, one can only imagine what it will want from your soul.

--NUMBER SEVEN: IT TELLS YOU WHERE TO LIVE.

Major warning sign right here.

I mean, sure -- it only makes sense that you'd be expected to live at least within 50 miles or so of the church you're attending, but if the pastor starts telling you, like, EXACTLY where to make your residence, you need to reconsider your options.

In particular, if the pastor wants you to live in a place that he OWNS, you should be deeply suspicious. Let's say he asks you to shack up in his new compound, which is surrounded by moats, a minefield, and several miles of barbed wire fences. That's definitely a bad, bad omen. No church leader should have round-the-clock surveillance powers over you. In fact, ANYONE who wants to monitor the activities of anyone else like that is disturbed and should never be trusted.

--NUMBER SIX: IT TELLS YOU WHERE TO WORK.

While it might be reasonable for your spiritual guide to demand that you, say, stop working as a stripper or prostitute, he really has no right to insist that you earn your living in some SPECIFIC manner of his choosing.

Like, if the pastor says that you've got to come work for his construction business at a wage of four dollars an hour (three of which will go directly into the flock's petty cash box), then you've got a real problem on your hands.

Additionally, if the guru tries to guilt you into abandoning your independent career on the grounds that you're only doing it out of some sinful "pride," there's about a 60 percent chance right there that he's a cult master. The truth is that the guy doesn't want you going off to work on your own where he can't keep an eye on you all day. Plus, he might just be jealous.

Darnit, if you want to work midnights at the local placemat factory, instead of doing contracted roofing work for your pastor's brother, then that's YOUR RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN!

--NUMBER FIVE: IT CUTS YOU OFF FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

Now we're really getting into the obvious signs that you've entered a cult. Frankly, if the church leader tells you to avoid your family and friends because they're all a bunch of dirty sinners, AND YOU OBEY HIM, then you're kind of dumb. Needless to say, the guru's REAL reason for separating you from loved ones is that he knows they'll smell a rat immediately and try to convince you to leave the fold.

Hey, wanting to avoid your drunken, deadbeat brother forever is perfectly normal; just don't do it because some cult leader told you to. It should be YOUR decision!

--NUMBER FOUR: IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO WEAR.

Once again, there are levels of DEGREE to consider here. For instance, many Christian churches warn their womenfolk to dress "modestly,"and that's OK. At least in that scenario, some level of personal choice still exists for the women. They can go with the polka dot gingham dress, OR the green and pink hoopskirt; just as long as no naughty parts are clearly visible, everything's cool.

But when the religious organization starts handing out SPECIFIC rules on what everyone's supposed to wear, I hear CULT ALERT quite clearly in my mind...especially if they've got some kind of regulation underpants for you.

Yeah, I know the Mormons have uniform underclothes, and they're not necessarily a cult. Then again, have you ever noticed the distant, blank look that all Mormons seem to have in their eyes? Hmmm??? I mean, what's the deal with the required underwear???

(OK, so maybe he's not so bad, after all.)

I mean, no offense. The bottom line is that no religion should have uniforms. That's all I'm sayin'.

--NUMBER THREE: IT SUBJECTS YOU TO BEATINGS AND TORTURE.

All right, this one should be really friggin' obvious. If your pastor, say, punches you in the face, then you might want to move on.

It's shocking to learn how many cult leaders get away with such behavior...although, actually, the violence is usually directed at the women members of the flock. See, a cult leader knows that if he slaps a man, he may just get slapped back. Even an obedient, mindwashed, MALE cult member might still lash out with violence if subjected to it. That's us men -- you just never know when we'll decide that we've had too much and lash out with our fists of fury. Kinda like dogs and their fangs of fury. CHECK YOURSELF!!!

So, the womenfolk often get smacked around in a cult...but not nearly as much as the children. Yeah, a cult leader will usually have no qualms about abusing a kid. He might claim that he's "disciplining" the child when he straps him to the radiator and whips him with a bungee cord; but those of us who are not completely insane know better.

The second your spiritual guide becomes violent, you should split.

--NUMBER TWO: IT'S STOCKPILING WEAPONS:

This one comes from the Book of David...Koresh.

Any church that hides a large amount of guns in a bunker out back is really just asking for trouble. Whether your pastor tells you that it's in preparation for a race war, holy war, or cola war, you really should not believe him.

Tell the leader that you're heading to Walmart to pick up some extra shotgun shells, and then never go back.

--NUMBER ONE: SUICIDE!!!

This is your final warning sign. If your church asks you to kill yourself, there is a 100 percent chance that it's a cult.

Get. Out. Now.

I really can't stress this enough -- no non-cult expects any of its members to commit suicide, whether it be through a bomb strapped to the chest, or a simple cyanide tablet. The second your leader asks you to take on such a mission, you've got to make a break for it.

Sneak out of the barracks the moment everyone else has fallen asleep. Cross your fingers as you run across the minefield; distract the guard dogs with some raw meat stolen from the pastor's personal pantry; plug your nose and don't swallow as you swim across the poisonous moat; and try not to scream in pain as you untangle yourself from the barbed wire fence. Then, make your way to the nearest rest stop by following only major roads. And DON'T HITCHHIKE!!! The cult will dispatch a fleet of plain white conversion vans to look for you the second your absence is noticed. Lay low, and make your way to a safe place...like Sealand.

And forget about your wife and kids. It's too late to save them.

Well, there you have it, folks -- eight easy ways to spot a cult. And while we're on the subject, here's a movie that's so bad it's achieved a cult-like status of its own.

The Room (2003)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0368226/

Netflix description:
Uninhibited by cinematic convention, this quirky cult favorite about lust and duplicity delivers nonstop laughs from beginning to end as the film's central character (writer-director Tommy Wiseau) discovers that his foxy fiancée, Lisa (Juliette Danielle), is bedding his best friend. Adding to the hilarity are Greg Sestero, who plays the backstabbing buddy, and Carolyn Minnott as Lisa's materialistic mom.

OK, all fans of bad cinema should be familiar with The Room by now. It's quite possibly the worst movie ever made. I can't believe I never heard of it until a few weeks ago.

The Room is a drama made by a guy named Tommy Wiseau. Somehow, this man of mystery scraped together seven million dollars to produce this hilariously-bad motion picture about a banker named Johnny who gets screwed over by a conniving, adulterous woman. I can't stress to you how inept every aspect of this movie really is. It is absolutely mind-blowing. You HAVE to see it.

In this film, Johnny is engaged to Lisa. They seem to have a happy relationship until Lisa announces, out of the blue, that she no longer loves Johnny. Why??? BECAUSE HE'S BORING, of course! Swear to God -- that's what she says.

Lisa starts an affair with Johnny's best friend, Mark. The two of them get it on several times, in some of the longest, most poorly-shot sex scenes ever committed to film. Johnny, whose international origins remain a mystery (seriously -- you gotta hear this guy's accent), is oblivious to what's going on...until Lisa and Mark get nasty at JOHNNY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY...like, TEN FEET AWAY FROM HIM.

After catching them, Johnny flips out and shoots himself in the head. Lisa and Mark find him, headless, and actually wonder if he's OK. Then, Mark rejects Lisa for being a tramp, and all fades to black. The End.

OK, so you're wondering why The Room is so bad. My God, where could I begin??? This is one of those films that fails so hilariously on every level that it boggles the mind. It's supposed to be a serious drama, but everything about it is so awkward that no scene works at all. Honestly, one could watch any random moment from The Room and find great amusement. The best way to understand this movie is to watch it.

Every exchange is wrong; every shot is miscalculated; the performances (in particular, Tommy Wiseau's, as Johnny) are the worst I've ever seen outside of the X-Rated genre. Nothing about The Room flows properly. I've never experienced anything like it.

Look, if you're too lazy to check out The Room, at least watch the Nostalgia Critic's review. It sums the entire thing up better than any blog post from me could possibly hope to:

There's not much I can contribute to the discussion about The Room that the Nostalgia Critic right there (and hundreds of other web posters) hasn't already said. I simply consider it my duty to inform you folks about this movie, in case you're in the dark. The Room is bad in ways that are difficult to fathom. It's the weirdest specimen of incompetence that has ever graced my DVD player. I have so many questions -- in particular, who IS Tommy Wiseau??? He's such a mystery. I'm not even sure if he's real. It's like Gene Simmons decided to pull a prank and play a Borat-type character.

And I mean it when I say that you should see The Room. Seriously -- this one really IS so bad that it's good (AND entertaining). I'm not even sure what to rate it. I mean, The Room is the worst movie I have ever seen, but that very fact made me like it. Do I act like a humorless jerk and rate the thing a one out of five? OR, do I commend it for achieving something that no film besides perhaps Battlefield Earth has? Hmmmm....

You know what? Screw it. I give The Room a...

5 out of 5.

b.

08/19/2010 01:35:00pm

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The Cult Of SPAM
It's time that we all take a moment to consider SPAM....
Yeah, SPAM -- the delicious meat product produced by our friends at Hormel. It's a cultural icon; folks far and wide have at least heard of SPAM, even if few have tried it. Well, let me state for the record that I love SPAM. It's a block of meat that comes in a can. What's not to like???

Some people claim that SPAM is "gross," but I respectfully disagree. I say it's a miracle product. See, according to the Hormel folks, SPAM goes all the way back to the 1930s. A mad scientist developed SPAM in an underground Minnesota lair, hoping to create an ultra-fortified, performance-enhancing food that could be used by the US Army to create a new master race of super soldiers. He failed, but wound up with a great consolation prize: cheap meat that could be exported all over the world for the enjoyment of millions. What a guy!

SPAM is actually short for "seasoned ham." It got its name in the early 40s when manufacturer Hormel Corporation held some "Name the Meat" contest and a guy named Kenneth Daigneau won. So there -- I've set the record straight, and you haters can stop claiming that SPAM stands for "Something Posing As Meat" or "Spare Parts Animal Meat."

(I always serve SPAM to my most important guests.)

SPAM tastes kind of like hot dogs, bologna, and Canadian bacon mixed. Some folks eat it raw, but I say that's disgusting. No, the best way to effectively manage your SPAM is to fry it. My preferred method is to throw a few thin slices on the George Foreman Grill (another miracle product, by the way), and get it to a nice brownish color. See, the trick to fine SPAM dining is to cut it thin enough; thick chunks are nasty. SPAM is like one of them poisonous Japanese puffer fish -- you've got to prepare it JUST RIGHT, or you might suffer in terrible ways.

When grilling my SPAM, I'll usually sprinkle Cajun seasoning and hot sauce on it. Get a couple drops of some nice Louisiana Crystal sauce on that patty and let it work its way into the meat as it cooks. MMMmmm, then you'll have yourself a SPICY SPAM slice! Pepper is also a nice addition, but be warned that adding more salt is always a BAD idea. Additionally, don't forget that SPAM goes well with mustard. See, the goal is to take advantage of the spongy-crispy-greasy aspects of the SPAM meat while doing whatever you can to mask the grosser, catfood-like taste. SPAM is a moody mistress. Treat it right.

(Check out Spam.com -- a great resource for all things SPAM.)

I was first introduced to SPAM by my pal John when I was about ten. At that point in my life, all I really knew about SPAM was that it was a Weird Al Yankovic song. John set me straight, though. His parents were gone for the day, meaning we could conduct dangerous experiments in the kitchen. He popped open a can of SPAM.

"Check this out," he said. "This here is AUTHENTIC SPAM."
I was frightened and confused, but also strangely intrigued. "SPAM? What's it DO?" I asked.
"It cooks. In a pan," he said. "Then you EAT it."
"Wooooowwww...."

John fried up some SPAM and also melted cheese on it, making for a lovely summer's afternoon snack. While I personally didn't care for the massive chunks of American cheese that he heaped on it (honestly, is there no cheese more disgusting than American?), I dug the concept of SPAM, in general. It was a super cheap meat that could be stored indefinitely in just about any location. Plus, I got to play with the STOVE that day! What fun!!!

(Look -- a restaurant in Minnesota that serves all SPAM meals. Awesome!)

I mentioned above that SPAM can be taken to virtually any locale, and that actually factored into its role in helping us win World War II. Yeah -- SPAM fueled our fighting men during the Big One. Look out, Mr. Hitler -- our troops are carrying SPAM!

Over 100 million pounds of SPAM were shipped to American troops in WWII. When our boys weren't blowing up Nazis, they were chowing down on a variety of delicious SPAM recipes that they'd developed on their own. The troops spread SPAM all over Europe, although it had already caught on in England, where folks ate it with their afternoon tea thanks to the Lend-Lease program. Eventually, the SPAM craze on the other side of the Atlantic pond died down, but in Asia, the product remains quite popular to this very day. Folks over there eat it with rice and fish and stuff. It's nice to know that at least a few cultures in this miserable world have decent taste.

I wish I could eat more SPAM. I miss frying up a few slices at three in the morning just for the heck of it. Yeah, just because I friggin' FELT like it! Sadly, for various reasons, I can no longer snack as conveniently on mass-produced processed meat products as I once did. But the memories will always be with me. SPAM, our times together were magical and I'll forever regret not trying your Garlic or Hot & Spicy varieties when I had the chance. May you and yours find happiness in the kitchens of other fine people the world over. We may not be as close as we once were, but SPAM, I declare you the Snack of the Month!

Now for no reason at all, here's a documentary about cults.

Join Us (20007)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1059801/

Netflix description:
Filmmaker Ondi Timoner's fascinating exploration of the psychological impact of cults traces an unexpected group -- a small Christian church in South Carolina. Realizing their minister has an unhealthy hold on their lives, determining everything from where they work to how they discipline their children, some of the parishioners decide to leave. Timoner follows them as they break from the church and try to put their lives back together again.

Join Us tells the true story of three families who got sucked into some wild mind control cult in the Deep South in the 1990s. See, these folks fell in with a crazy old German dude who convinced them to hand over all their money and move into a subdivision that he'd built. He then assumed control over every aspect of his flock's lives, even their finances and the discipline of their children (which could be pretty friggin' HARSH at times). What a guy!

These three families, you see, get the guts to ditch their cult leader, who calls himself a pastor, and then try to sue him. Of course, this being the Deep South, they fail, and the pastor gets off scott free. But that's not really the point; the REAL appeal of Join Us is simply the fascinating look into the nature of brainwashing that it gives us. I mean, some of these former cultists are pretty messed up following their experience. One woman, for example, is reduced to a puddle of psychological jelly after parting ways with her beloved pastor. She rocks back and forth in the fetal position when faced with a decision, unable to think for herself. Even though she KNOWS that the pastor was a manipulative sadist who beat her own children, she contemplates going back to his fold. Yowza!

Director Ondi Timoner (who also did the fascinating We Live In Public) takes us deep into the lives of our heroes, the former cultists. For the most part, they don't seem overtly STUPID, per se; they just got sucked into the wrong kind of organization at the wrong time. We also get to meet their former pastor, Herr Raimund Melz. When we catch up with him, he's basically abandoned, yet excited about plans to rebuild his congregation. It's obvious that everything Melz says is a lie -- he's got that crazy, manipulative look in his eyes that all mad holy men have. His wife is even worse, at one point telling one of our heroes that her husband is struggling with Alzheimer's disease, even though we later learn that he isn't. How do people like this thrive?

(It's not like they advertise.)

That's the scary message that comes out of Join Us -- that it can be hard to differentiate between a cult and a really crappy church with only a handful of members. At what point would any of US fall victim to the mind games of a wannabe messiah? The film attempts to delve into some of these questions, featuring interviews with a few psychologists and other experts. Plus, we get to meet some nice folks who run a rehab center for recently-displaced cult members. They're really the ones doing God's work, I think.

Join Us is worth checking out simply because it takes a highly personal look at a cultural phenomenon. Rather than addressing the broader issue of cults in America, it focuses on just a few rank and file members who managed to get out. Will they be able to rebuild their lives? It's hard to say.

I would have liked a little more testimony from experts, and perhaps additional details on the exact horrors of living in Pastor Melz's compound (which was actually more like a modern suburban subdivision), but other than that, I found Join Us to be an engaging little documentary. Give it a rental if you're interested in this sort of thing.

4 out of 5.

b.

08/17/2010 05:45:00pm

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Seven Old Horror Movies
One random gift that my mom gave the missus and me for our wedding was a DVD with 15 classic horror movies....
"Do not watch alone," the package warns. Pretty neat, eh?

I think this is a great idea. Someone took 15 (presumably) public domain movies, stuck them all in one DVD set -- on three disks -- and sold the whole deal at Target for five dollars. A few of the titles I've already seen; but the majority of these films are rather obscure. I don't care. Let's take a quick look at the first seven or so.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063350/

Ah, of course. Night of the Living Dead. The Horror, Do Not Watch Alone series starts out strong with one of the greatest movies ever made, in general. I don't need to tell you how much I love the original Night of the Living Dead -- it's one of my very favorites (as in, like, top five movies of all-time). Heck, the 15-film box set would almost be worth it just for this one picture.

Night of the Living Dead is about a group of people hiding out in an old farm house while an army of zombies tries to break in. It's perfectly made camp; delightfully low-budget, but expertly shot by the great George Romero. The number of imitators this film has ought to prove how influential it's been. I find it scary and stimulating and intriguing all at the same time. Night of the Living Dead is what all horror movies aspire to be.

5 out of 5.

House on Haunted Hill (1959)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051744/

Another Triple-A title! The House on Haunted Hill is a classic Vincent Price creepfest about a psychotic millionaire who invites a group of strangers to stay the night in his mansion. One by one, the guests get trapped or killed as the night progresses, and some pretty amusing bickering unfolds between Price and his wife. This motion picture is simply a must-see for all fans of camp. It's spooky, kooky, and all-together ookey.

Really, House on Haunted Hill is one of Price's best movies...and that says a lot.

5 out of 5.

Carnival of Souls (1962)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055830/

With such powerhouses as NOTLD and HOHH serving as lead-off men in this horror movie collection, things had to go somewhat downhill at some point, and I think Carnival of Souls was a good choice for making that decline a little less painful. Sure, it's not on the level of the two movies that start out the set, but Carnival is still a really good early-60s ghost flick.

It's about a pretty young lady who survives a horrific car crash and then is followed around by a spirit of some kind. Is he trying to tell her something? Like, say...thatshe should really be dead???

Carnival of Souls is eerie, engaging, and a bit sexy, to be honest. The plot may be a little predictable, but I'll bet that for its time, this one was pretty impressive. I recommend it.

(Get it? CARNIVAL of Souls???)

4 out of 5.

I Bury the Living (1958)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051755/

Uh-oh....The quality of the films on this collection is going down fast. I have a feeling it'll be a bumpy ride from here on out, even though we're still only on Disk One.

Actually, I Bury the Living ain't THAT bad. In fact, it's downright pretty OK. This one is about a graveyard operator who becomes convinced that he has the ability to kill people simply by placing a black peg in their pre-paid burial plots. Soon, this dude starts to wonder if maybe he could REVIVE dead people by doing the opposite -- placing WHITE pegs on the cemetery map where their burial plots are. WILL IT WORK???

There's also some other plot stuff that happens, with a Scottish groundskeeper who knows more than he's letting on, etc, etc. I Bury the Living is pretty cheap, but at least it's got an interesting premise. Eh, it's worth a rental.

3 out of 5.

The Undertaker and His Pals (1966)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061140/

The Horror, Do Not Watch Alone collection is now getting dangerously close to the bottom of the barrel with his poorly-preserved shocker from the mid-60s. The Undertaker and His Pals, despite having an excellent title, is a fairly boring film about...well...an undertaker. See, he steals corpses and then serves them as delicious entrees in a restaurant run by (you guessed it!) his pals. Eventually, some nosy cops start snooping around with their annoying suspicions. Why is THE MAN always coming down on small businesses???

This one sounds much better than it really is. Despite doing its best to cross the decency line of the era in which it was made, I found The Undertaker and His Pals to be almost unbearably tedious, and actually struggled to stay awake while watching it. It's also in pretty bad shape, with washed out colors and sound that can barely be heard. That's the problem with a lot of the movies on this collection -- they haven't been remastered in any way. Occasionally, the dialogue in some of the films will be almost unintelligible. That's the case with The Undertaker and His Pals. Who cares, though? This one sucks, anyway.

1 out of 5.

Dominique Is Dead (1978)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077450/

A fairly generic Person-Kills-Another-Person-To-Get-Their-Money-And-Then-Gets-Haunted kind of deal right here. See, a rich guy wants to get more rich, so he tries to scare his psychologically weak wife to death. After a few attempts, it works and, of course, she comes back in ghost form to haunt him. My God, stories like this are unbelievably common. How many times must Edgar Allen Poe be ripped off?

Meh, Dominique is Dead is watchable, if in bad shape (see The Undertaker and His Pals). This is a paint-by-the-numbers ghost movie all the way -- not necessarily terrible, but nothing special, either.

2 out of 5.

The Ghost (1963)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057522/

Basically the same thing as Dominique is Dead, only in this case, it's the WIFE who murders her HUSBAND, and then gets haunted for it. She's also got a doctor boyfriend, who is involved in all the predictable ways. Nothing special at all, but probably SLIGHTLY better than Dominique. Film and sound quality on this one, however, are extremely low. Someone should at least try to clean some of these old films up a bit.

2 out of 5.

So, there you have it. Horror, Do Not Watch Alone -- 15 classic horror flicks in one five dollar package. You can pick this bad boy up at Walmart, Target, and other department stores, I'm sure. Just keep your eyes peeled when perusing the bargain bins. Or, you could simply find the set online.

At some point, I'll be back to review the other eight movies in the collection. In the meantime, try checking some of them out on their own. In one form or another, they all appear on Netflix (except The Ghost).

Now have yourselves a fine weekend.

b.

08/13/2010 03:24:00pm

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More Public Access Win
Last week, I introduced everyone to the musical stylings of Jan Terri....
Not to beat a dead horse, but I just GOTTA tell you folks about another amateur sensation, this one coming from the wonderful world of public access television.

Our subject today is the legendary Sondra Prill, who hosted a musical-variety show on the Tampa, Florida public access channel in the early 1990s. She was utterly talentless, and yet bursting with naive charisma. In some ways, Sondra was an early version of the really nasty pop divas that we see all over TV and magazines today -- hyper sexualized, shameless, and desperate for fame. Judging from the few examples of her work still available, Sondra would have been willing to do just about anything for a shot at the big time.

What's special about Sondra, though, is how hilariously bad her singing was. Unlike Jan Terri, Sondra didn't even record original songs. No, she did awful renditions of other performers' pop hits from around the era (late 80s, early 90s), and the results were a sight to behold, indeed. How anyone could watch the first 30 seconds of Sondra's "Pump Up The Jam" without cracking up is beyond me:

It's like she's completely psychotic. I'll bet anything Sondra Prill was missing a few marbles...in a bad way. In fact, that's what I've read about her from the few sources still drifting the web who have ever known the woman personally. They say she's out of her mind.

But that's all hearsay. You see, not much reliable information is actually still available on Sondra or her musical career because she apparently decided sometime a few years back that she wanted to disappear forever. Yes, once upon a time, YouTube apparently offered dozens of great Sondra Prill videos from her cable access days, but almost all of them have since been removed. That's the problem with YouTube -- stuff gets taken down too much. I want to learn how to save this material so that it may be archived in a more reliable place for the study of future generations. Can anyone help?

But here's what I have been able to gather about Sondra Prill: she had a cable access show between 1987 and 1992. It featured her signature off-key musical performances, occasionally with the help of a guest singer. One I've read about was a country-western musician. The two shared in renditions of "Islands in the Stream", among others, on one episode of Sondra's My Show. By all accounts, the duets were terrible.

Sondra's public access career culminated with an October 1992 special called "Sondra Prill: A Musical Fantasy." According to legend, Sondra rented a performing arts center with a seating capacity of about one thousand people in order to stage a charity benefit for the victims of Hurricane Andrew. Well, things didn't go so well, and only about 40 people bought tickets. Sondra's performances were a disaster, and the whole thing ended with a stunt in which someone poured honey all over her entire body. According to Wikipedia, Sondra had wanted to be totally nude while that was going on, but the venue's manager insisted that she wear a body stocking. What a jerk that guy must have been....

I want to know more about this mysterious woman. Furthermore, I want to see more of her videos, which (again) have been almost totally lost. The only other performance to remain available is Sondra's glorious rendition of Janet Jackson's "Nasty." Watch it before it disappears forever!

Folks, people like Sondra Prill are the reason why I have always loved public access television. I'm bored of traditional, professional television. It's always the same unimaginative crap -- sitcoms and game shows and crime dramas staged by people who have paid their dues in the bland Hollywood system. They're old hat, as far as I'm concerned. Nah, I turn to public access for entertainment these days. Where else could someone like Sondra Prill find exposure? Where else but on public access could a man like me find spiritual guidance?? Don't you think a preacher like this dude ought to be allowed on TV??? I know I do.

Anyway, speaking of the unholy, here's a movie with Christopher Walken. Enjoy!

The Prophecy (1995)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114194/

Netflix description:
Angels have no souls, but men do. And dark angel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) -- angry because God has allowed humans into heaven -- descends to earth to capture the most evil human soul he can find, planning to use it to defeat his enemies in an apocalyptic battle. While a good-hearted angel (Eric Stoltz) hides the soul in the body of a little girl, a detective (Elias Koteas) on earth tracks Gabriel's every move.

The Prophecy might be a little more mainstream than the usual fare for this blog, but I don't care. This movie is a real gem; definitely worth checking out for both horror fans, and anyone else in search of an adventure.

The plot might seem somewhat convoluted on the surface: a priest-turned-police detective finds himself defending mankind from a wayward angel who's come to Earth in search of an evil soul that will enable him to get revenge on God for some insult. That wayward angel is none other than Gabriel, played here by Christopher Walken, in all his creepy, psychotic glory. Seriously -- you won't find Walken in better form than you will in The Prophecy.

He seems pretty close to getting what he wants -- the blackest, most evil soul on Earth (it belongs to a former military officer who delighted in torturing POWs, among other things) -- but there's one problem. Another angel has captured that dark soul and hidden it in the body of a random little girl. A chase, race-against-the-clock sort of deal then unfolds. WILL our hero stop Christopher Walken from finding the little girl who's hiding the evil soul? WHAT, exactly, is Walken's plan, anyway?? HOW did I never see this awesome movie before now???

Yeah, The Prophesy is, indeed, an awesome motion picture. The plot is engaging...characters are interesting...an effective, apocalyptic mood is established throughout...and, as noted, Christopher Walken is at the top of his game. Really, he's the deal maker up in here -- Walken ties it all together oh so nicely. Gabriel is the part this man was born to play.

In fact, all of the performances in The Prophesy are excellent. I liked the lead cop, played by the cool Elias Koteas; I was glad to see Amanda Plummer pop up (same goes for one of my favorite actors, Viggo Mortensen, who plays SATAN); and even Eric Stoltz, who I just bashed in an entry last week, is semi-likable as the good angel Simon. So, yeah -- I guess Stoltz is capable of just barely winning me over, after all...if he plays a friggin' ANGEL.

The Prophesy is a dark, yet fun, apocalyptic little ride for the whole family to enjoy (well, not really for the whole family). Made with skill, this baby has all kinds of neat biblical stuff in it to keep you feeling creeped out, and it wraps itself up within a reasonable amount of time. You wanna see a solid horror, end-of-the-world kind of flick??? Then check out The Prophesy.

Seriously.

4 out of 5.

b.

08/11/2010 05:33:00pm

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